A few weeks ago, October 7th at 10:40 a.m., my grandmother on my mother's side passed away. I have never been that close to death before. I have never seen someone die before, and I wouldn't count the fake performances on TV. Early that morning sometime between 12 and 1 am the phone rang. My husband has a cell phone which he uses for church business, so I knew when the house phone rang, it was family and something was wrong. It was my dad who called to tell us my grandmother had a stroke, and they were moving her from one hospital to another. About 30-40 minutes later he called and said they were going to perform a procedure to determine if surgery would be needed. We live two and a half hours away, and Emily had a teddy bear tea party the next day for school, for which she had picked out her mommy and me teddy bear with a little photo pocket on the front to take with her to the tea party. I thought I would take her to school the next day and then leave for Gainesville after school. The next couple of hours I spent praying, in and out of sleep, and waiting to hear from my father. He finally called me and said they had decided not to do the surgery becasue the damage done was unrepairable, in tears he told me we needed to come on up to tell her goodbye. So at about 4 in the morning I got up began to dig through the pile of laundry on the couch trying to gather some clothes for the four of us to wear. The drive up was a numbing one. When I got there my dad tried to prepare me for what she looked like, I just wanted to get in to her. I just sat by her bed and looked at her. The woman I loved and respected as a grandma, who I had just spoken with a few days earlier, had been reduced to lying unconscious in a hospital bed. It seemed so humiliating and unfair. My dad warned me she would move her legs here and there, but she wasn't...there. As I sat there, head in my arms, I cried, silently screaming out to God in anger, "Where is she? If she's not here then where is she?!" When I think about it I still shake my head in disbelief. During her viewing and funeral I had a few people tell me how she was so proud of me. Silently I thought, "How?" I really wished they would elaborate. But didn't dare to ask. I was in pitiful shape. As difficult as it was losing my gradnmother, that wasn't the end nor the beginning of the pain I was feeling. My husband is the pastor at our church and things had become very difficult at times, especially in my relationships with some of the members. I had really been struggling in this particular area for almost a year. I felt like a class A loser. I felt like I didn't do the right things or say the right things, it had become almost second nature for me to walk away from even the smallest everyday conversations or situations questioning had I done the right thing or said the right thing. I knew my grandma was proud of me, and it was really nice to be reminded of that, but I didn't feel like someone to be proud of. When we got home I had to go back to taking my kids to school, and teaching Wednesday night and Sunday morning children's class at church, things I didn't really feel like doing. I barely got the grocery shopping done. The first couple of weeks were difficult. I had to leave my family, and come back home, and somehow carry on. It was really hard. I knew I needed something, so one day while Joseph took his morning nap, I lay on the bed and began searching through God's word. I began a search under the word weary. That is how I felt, I was weary in every way. And God gave me these verses to lift me up, to hold me close, and give me hope.
Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding. He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:28-31
I remember these verses often, because I need the reminder often. I just remind myself that one day in God's time if I wait on the Lord, my strength will be renewed, I will run and not be weary, I will walk and not faint. I just remind myself, make it through today, it will get better. And it will if I have hope, and God has given me that. It makes me happy now when I think about how my grandma was proud of me and makes me want to be even better.
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